Soft.Spoken.Madness.

"Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees
By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world." -TCO

My shitty pictures from my cell phone of this “work meeting/classes” weekend in Chicago. It was great, got to see some guy play some Chicago blues, stayed at the Hilton and walked around a little bit.

My brother took these pictures outside of his work today. I thought it was going to be the end of the World. It was insane, and now it’s clear and sunny. We need rain! RAIN!

My Darkness in Arthritis

I see colors in music. Tones, staccatos, allegros, smooth flowing vibrations of drums and plucking of piano strings, stinging piercing violin and cello at the heart. They are all the beautiful colors in my life.

I started playing flute at age ten. I was finished completely from my guitar, clarinet, flute and trumpet by age 19. That’s when the proverbial “shit hit the fan.” Diagnosed with an ulcer, depression, anxiety, and a drinking disorder. I was in pain. I didn’t want life anymore. I could barely move my body, no food nor drink was staying in my system. I lost around 30 pounds in a 3 week period. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Not only did I have money problems, relationships in ruins with my Mother and my closest dearest friend, living on canned green beans and ramen noodles for months, I had lost the physical ability to paint, draw and play music. My passion in life. The one thing that got me up the the morning and made me excited to come home.  I didn’t know what to do…

I hit the bottom of the well. I was rushed into the emergency room when I started throwing up blood. I kept this all from my friends and family, until they started noticing the weight loss. Thousands of dollars later I emerged out of the hospital with no hope. They told me at NINETEEN YEARS OLD that I may have stomach cancer and I would have to wait weeks for the results. Needless to say, that was a dark time. Numbness, and regret.

I awoke many months later with bright eyes, an open heart and a new regard for life. I still have most of my hearing. I still can type and write for a good amount of time before the pain is too much. I have great vision (with corrected spectacles that is) and I have my new attitude. Death will not take me, it will not DARE take me yet. I have a spirit and it will be filled with everything that is left out there to be explored.

I have been listening to everything and anything classical music. I am happy with this. I still have horrible urges to learn to play the piano, which was to be the next instrument I was going to take lessons for before the arthritis settled in. I tear up at just the thought of being able to play again. When this happens, I put on Chopin and sigh.

Shocking.
Oh Gerry, the things you do to me when you sing… (Just don’t tell my husband) “Past the point of no return…” I had no idea I would actually enjoy this movie. Most of the songs are super, super cheesy. But Gerard- you are not cheese. Geh.

This is home, for now. It is not much, but it is ours. Finally free of obnoxious stupid roommates… a husband and wife deserves such freedom!

The lights were blue, on the boat. Caribbean 2006.

The lights were blue, on the boat. Caribbean 2006.

Missy, my old friend. I miss her, before she turned into a snob. I guess, I miss who she used to be. I miss a lot of people and how they used to be. When did we all get so stuck up?